Hire Tom
Mostly Mozart


Pet Haiku
Posted February 23, 2001

"Cat Haiku"

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You "must" scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then --
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper?'

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner.

I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, crap! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams.
My claws are not that sharp.

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey."

In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hair ball somewhere
Will find in morning.

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you.
Want to smell my butt?

The cat is not all
Bad - she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.


"Dog Haiku"

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts - I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy - come to kill us all -
Look!_ Look!_ Look!_ Look!__ Look!

I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend - come to kill us all -
Look!_ Look!_ Look!_ Look!_ Look!

I sound the alarm!
Meter reader - come to kill all -
Look!_ Look!_ Look!_ Look!_ Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man - come to kill all -
Look!_ Look!_ Look!_ Look!_ Look!

I sound the alarm!
Neighbor's cat - come to kill all!
Look!__ Look!_ Look!_ Look!_ Look!

I lift my leg and
Wiz on each bush._ Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats.

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.

Dig under fence - why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

You may call them fleas,
But they are far more - I call
Them a vocation.

My owners' mood is
Romantic - I lie near their
Feet. I blow a big one.