Notice of Revocation of Independence|
Posted December 6, 2000
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except
Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The
rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress
and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
- You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing
it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. [Look up "vocabulary".]
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. [Look up "interspersed".]
- There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.
- You should learn to distinguish between the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.
- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys.
- You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.
- You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play real football. Initially, it would be
best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of
you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds nor wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies). We are hoping to get together a US rugby team by
- You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for
- July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecision
- All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
- Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your immediate cooperation.